Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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