The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
