I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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