Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
