i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
