Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
