I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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