My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
