What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
