I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
