I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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