My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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