I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
