It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
