Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
