I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
