Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
