Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
