***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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