some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
