my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
