naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
