You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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