I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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