i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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