They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
