In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
