we have pet lesbian snakes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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