remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
