You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
