The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
