Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
