I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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