Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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