I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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