Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
