We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
