there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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