Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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