The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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