Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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