wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
