im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
