Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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