I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
