No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
