just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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