it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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