The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
