when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i drank out of a bidet.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
