I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
