Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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